3 posts tagged “movie”
This review is brought to you by Redunk and the throngs of people that continue to fuel the writing, filming and production of crappy movies. Thank you for flooding the market.
Taken was written by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen and directed by Pierre Morel. It stars Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace (Remember the hot yet annoying blond chick from the first season of Lost?) The always gorgeous Famke Janssen and some other French dudes that no one really knows. It scored a 55% on Rotten Tomatoes T-Meter, a 40% from Top Critics and a 91% from the mindless RT Community.
First let me start off by saying that I thought this movie sucked. I saw it about 3 or 4 weeks before it hit theaters in the U.S. I was immediately glad that I didn't stand in line and waste $10 on it. I rated it 20% on Rotten Tomoatoes.
Now before a flame war begins and you swear at Redunk and pillage the servers, I will say that the fight sequences were awesome. I'm pretty sure that's how Liam Neeson would really act if someone kidnapped his daughter. He takes no prisoners and leaves no one for the ambulance, just the Coroner. He romps all over France beating the crap out of everyone he even thinks is connected and leaves a trail of bodies. Good stuff. However, that was all I liked about the whole film, and even that was being generous.
This movie was a total rip off of The Bourne Identity as well as many other kill-baddies-all-over-Europe-because-I'm-an-ex-spy movie. It takes every cliché from that genre and capitalizes on it. In fact, its almost entirely written off clichés. On top of the awful clichés, it seemed that everyone was told as soon as they walked on set, "Forget what you know about good acting. It will not exist in this film. Seriously, act like this is your 5th grade Christmas play." Even Liam, who is awesome, acted as if he was only there because he owed someone a favor. A big one.
All in all, the story was weak, forced and overplayed. The dialogue was laughable, the acting was pathetic and the daughter ran wierd. I seriously thought something was wrong with her. Other than than dudes getting their faces punched in, I was genuinely board.
Here's a quick recap:
Warning: There be spoilers ahead (but honestly, there's not much left to spoil)
"I'm so emo, 'cause I was a typical Spy/Father and didn't spend enough time with my family because I was to busy saving America and my wife left me, even though she knew better. Oh well, I quit all that 5 years too late so I can be poor and live close by my daughter and ex-wife who married a typical rich guy."
"Its my daughters birthday, I'll spend all of $15.00 dollars on a karaoke machine that was made for an eight year old even though she's seventeen."
"Oh goody, she likes it, because she has this fantasy that she's going to be a pop star still someday. I'm glad my whiny ex-wife was able to see that... ah crap, the super-rich step-dad bought her a horse and she now could care less about my half-hearted gift."
"Hmm, I've been offered a body guard job protecting some high class pop-star, I should ask her if she'll see my daughter.
"Oh noes, some guy was classically waiting to stab the pop-star! Good thing I'm so awesome! I'll hospitalize this idiot and rescue the star. Me FTW."
"My daughter wants to go to France? No ways, I know how things roll there. I have premonition. Well... since she's thrown such a spoiled fit, I'll let her, so long as she takes my super secret spy phone"
"Crap, my premonition was right, hopefully the bad guy will pick up the phone so I can say some awesome, bone-chilling phrase to him that will be used on posters and later on in the movie."
"Time to meet up with a guy that I'm pretty sure will back-stab me because he's greedy and I'm an idiot."
*Beat-downs, death and violence ensue*
"I've killed everyone with no repercussions and found my daughter, I'm the man again! I'll just casually fly back with her to the States earning the respect of my ex and her new husband."
"To top it all off, since shes not the least bit traumatized about being held captive by sex-traffickers, I'll take her to the pop-star that I saved earlier so she can say some formulated cliche line"
Teh End!
Now, perhaps this wasn't the best written review, and perhaps you think I'm a moron because you really liked it. Well, good thing I don't care. This is my opinion and you are more than welcome to be wrong with yours.
Taken was written by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen and directed by Pierre Morel. It stars Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace (Remember the hot yet annoying blond chick from the first season of Lost?) The always gorgeous Famke Janssen and some other French dudes that no one really knows. It scored a 55% on Rotten Tomatoes T-Meter, a 40% from Top Critics and a 91% from the mindless RT Community.
First let me start off by saying that I thought this movie sucked. I saw it about 3 or 4 weeks before it hit theaters in the U.S. I was immediately glad that I didn't stand in line and waste $10 on it. I rated it 20% on Rotten Tomoatoes.
This movie was a total rip off of The Bourne Identity as well as many other kill-baddies-all-over-Europe-because-I'm-an-ex-spy movie. It takes every cliché from that genre and capitalizes on it. In fact, its almost entirely written off clichés. On top of the awful clichés, it seemed that everyone was told as soon as they walked on set, "Forget what you know about good acting. It will not exist in this film. Seriously, act like this is your 5th grade Christmas play." Even Liam, who is awesome, acted as if he was only there because he owed someone a favor. A big one.
All in all, the story was weak, forced and overplayed. The dialogue was laughable, the acting was pathetic and the daughter ran wierd. I seriously thought something was wrong with her. Other than than dudes getting their faces punched in, I was genuinely board.
Here's a quick recap:
Warning: There be spoilers ahead (but honestly, there's not much left to spoil)
"I'm so emo, 'cause I was a typical Spy/Father and didn't spend enough time with my family because I was to busy saving America and my wife left me, even though she knew better. Oh well, I quit all that 5 years too late so I can be poor and live close by my daughter and ex-wife who married a typical rich guy."
"Its my daughters birthday, I'll spend all of $15.00 dollars on a karaoke machine that was made for an eight year old even though she's seventeen."
"Oh goody, she likes it, because she has this fantasy that she's going to be a pop star still someday. I'm glad my whiny ex-wife was able to see that... ah crap, the super-rich step-dad bought her a horse and she now could care less about my half-hearted gift."
"Hmm, I've been offered a body guard job protecting some high class pop-star, I should ask her if she'll see my daughter.
"Oh noes, some guy was classically waiting to stab the pop-star! Good thing I'm so awesome! I'll hospitalize this idiot and rescue the star. Me FTW."
"My daughter wants to go to France? No ways, I know how things roll there. I have premonition. Well... since she's thrown such a spoiled fit, I'll let her, so long as she takes my super secret spy phone"
"Crap, my premonition was right, hopefully the bad guy will pick up the phone so I can say some awesome, bone-chilling phrase to him that will be used on posters and later on in the movie."
"Time to meet up with a guy that I'm pretty sure will back-stab me because he's greedy and I'm an idiot."
*Beat-downs, death and violence ensue*
"I've killed everyone with no repercussions and found my daughter, I'm the man again! I'll just casually fly back with her to the States earning the respect of my ex and her new husband."
"To top it all off, since shes not the least bit traumatized about being held captive by sex-traffickers, I'll take her to the pop-star that I saved earlier so she can say some formulated cliche line"
Teh End!
Now, perhaps this wasn't the best written review, and perhaps you think I'm a moron because you really liked it. Well, good thing I don't care. This is my opinion and you are more than welcome to be wrong with yours.
Max Payne came out on DVD Tuesday, January 20th 2009 and was released in theaters October 17th 2008. Its directed by John Moore and stars Mark Walhberg, the beautiful Mila Kunis (Forgetting Sarah Marshall) Beau Bridges, Chris 'Ludacris' Bridges, Chris O'Donnell, and the smoking hot Olga Kurylenko, yes she was the Bond girl in Quantum of Solace.
As with any movie where Mark Walhberg is the star, you have to take it as it is and not expect much. Even more so with a movie based off a video game. Max Payne scored a whopping 18% on Rotten Tomatoes from the T-Meter Critics and a 47% from the RT Community. Which goes to say, it doesn't have a whole lot going for it. But, you're reading this not because you care so much about the opinions of others, but mine. Because I'm awesome. Now, lets continue.
First lets get one thing straight. It is not possible for Hollywood to create a film based off a video game and keep the integrity of the story. It's just inconceivable for them. Doesn't matter who writes it, who directs it and who stars in it. It will suck. There is no such thing as a good movie based off a video game.
Now that thats out of the way, the movie. The story follows a detective, Max Payne, who's wife and infant are murdered years prior by tweaked out drug addicts. Max slips into emo-Walhberg mode and hunts for his dead family's last remaining culprit. He also dawns a sick leather jacket. The story progresses on from there thrusting Max into a dilemma much larger than a missing tweaker.
The story has about as many plot holes as Max's victims have bullet holes, which means there's a crap-ton. The story is actually somewhat intriguing, if you tell yourself its going to suck. (Start at zero and it can only go up from there, unless its spoof movie.) The acting is fairly sub-par, but then again, look at the cast. No one is believable. If the movie actually followed the plot of the original game, it would be brilliant, crappy acting aside even. But like I said, it doesn't. It does however, keep some of the dark atmosphere of the
game with shadowy streets, unpleasant weather and grungy buildings.
Now, on to the part that I like. Scratch that. Loved. Yes, loved. The cinematography and special effects are absolutely brilliant. It is honestly one of the most graphically beautiful movies I've ever seen. That's saying a lot. But in all honestly, shot for shot its freaking awesome. If Mark Walhberg could make a convincing enough mean-face, it would be the cherry on top of the cinematography cake. Every frame is set perfect, the slow motion shots (as ridiculous as they may be) are perfect, the colors are perfect, the lighting is perfect. Everything looks great. The soundtrack, composed by Marco Beltrami and Buck Sanders, fits the movie's gritty atmosphere just right.
I am by no means saying this is a great movie, let alone a good movie, but it was certainly better than I expected. I will certainly watch this agian just for the visuals. Maybe I'll mute it and just loop the soundtrack.
I'd do a quick recap, but Its too ridiculous. Here's the trailer instead:
As with any movie where Mark Walhberg is the star, you have to take it as it is and not expect much. Even more so with a movie based off a video game. Max Payne scored a whopping 18% on Rotten Tomatoes from the T-Meter Critics and a 47% from the RT Community. Which goes to say, it doesn't have a whole lot going for it. But, you're reading this not because you care so much about the opinions of others, but mine. Because I'm awesome. Now, lets continue.
First lets get one thing straight. It is not possible for Hollywood to create a film based off a video game and keep the integrity of the story. It's just inconceivable for them. Doesn't matter who writes it, who directs it and who stars in it. It will suck. There is no such thing as a good movie based off a video game.
Now that thats out of the way, the movie. The story follows a detective, Max Payne, who's wife and infant are murdered years prior by tweaked out drug addicts. Max slips into emo-Walhberg mode and hunts for his dead family's last remaining culprit. He also dawns a sick leather jacket. The story progresses on from there thrusting Max into a dilemma much larger than a missing tweaker.
The story has about as many plot holes as Max's victims have bullet holes, which means there's a crap-ton. The story is actually somewhat intriguing, if you tell yourself its going to suck. (Start at zero and it can only go up from there, unless its spoof movie.) The acting is fairly sub-par, but then again, look at the cast. No one is believable. If the movie actually followed the plot of the original game, it would be brilliant, crappy acting aside even. But like I said, it doesn't. It does however, keep some of the dark atmosphere of the
Now, on to the part that I like. Scratch that. Loved. Yes, loved. The cinematography and special effects are absolutely brilliant. It is honestly one of the most graphically beautiful movies I've ever seen. That's saying a lot. But in all honestly, shot for shot its freaking awesome. If Mark Walhberg could make a convincing enough mean-face, it would be the cherry on top of the cinematography cake. Every frame is set perfect, the slow motion shots (as ridiculous as they may be) are perfect, the colors are perfect, the lighting is perfect. Everything looks great. The soundtrack, composed by Marco Beltrami and Buck Sanders, fits the movie's gritty atmosphere just right.
I am by no means saying this is a great movie, let alone a good movie, but it was certainly better than I expected. I will certainly watch this agian just for the visuals. Maybe I'll mute it and just loop the soundtrack.
I'd do a quick recap, but Its too ridiculous. Here's the trailer instead:
Last night I was given the opportunity to see a prescreening of "Valkyrie" starring Tom Cruise and Tom Wilkinson, directed by Bryan Singer. This movie doesn't actually hit theaters until December 26th, but I'm so awesome and I give good feedback to the guys taking polls so I was given special privledges.
If you don't know anything about it already, this is a World War II genre film about the last assassination attempt on Adolf Hitler by the Germans. There were 15 know attempts on his life by his own people.
This film has great historical value. I found it to be not only fascinating, but well shot, well acted, and at times very tense. There are a few things I'd like to go over:
1) Tom Cruise = The Crap. I don't care if you like him or not, he is a great actor, and he really gives a great performance in this film.
2) The cast (Other than Tom Cruise) is primarily British actors playing German soldiers. The only German accent in the whole film came from Hitler himself. Its interesting to watch Nazis speak as if they just had tea time.
3) The movie opens with Cruise's character, Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, narrating in German with English subtitles as he writes a letter, also in German. After a short while his German narration cross fades into his English narration. I think this was the directors way of showing the audience "Look, its all being translated for you now." I thought this was a great idea.
4) Eddie Izzard is in this and he is not funny. He does do a great job though.
5) The plan for overthrowing Hitlers regime is really quite brilliant. It uses his own system and plans against him. You can read more about Unternehmen Walküre here.
This movie is not something you want to go see if you are not interested in its historic significance or want to watch some Nazis get blowed up. This is a story about the German resistance against the regime of Adolf Hitler and the men that plotted it out and executed it. If you're any bit of a history buff, or a Tom Cruise fan, than I strongly recommend seeing it. Again, if you want cheap thrills and violence, go see Punisher: War Zone.
I give it a 8/10. This is mainly for its historic accuracy as well as its great performances. Although I did like it very much, I can see it as something easily forgettable. There's not a whole lot of wow factor that leaves you longing for more.
I suppose this review isn't really too redunk, but the true story of Unternehmen Walküre is super redunk.
Here's a modern quick recap:
(WARNING: There be spoilers here)
"Dude, Hitler needs to go down. He's really jacking things up. I know we've tried this like fourteen other times, but lets blow this mother to kingdom come and overthrow his government. Any ideas?"
"Yeah I got one, lets blast him with some explosives, kill all the commnications on his base, initiate a doctored version of Valkyrie that we'll get him to unknowingly sign, then initiate the reserve army, arrest all the SS and blame the coup on them, establish a new chancellor and end the war and try and sign a treaty with the allies."
"Ummm... ok, wow, that sounds pretty metal."
"Yeah, its way hardcore."
"Shiny, lets be bad guys... I mean, conspirators"
*The plan unfolds*
"Duece. They changed the meeting to another building, I'm not sure if this bomb is big enough now. Oh well, I'll just set it reeeeally close to him."
"Woah! I totally just blew up Adolf and like 10 other dudes!"
"Woah! you did totally just blow up Adolf and like 10 other dudes!"
"I know, now lets get the crap outta here and take some fools down!"
"So... I didn't really hear if Hitler had died or anything so I waited an extra three hours until you got back to Berlin before intiating Valkyrie... are you mad at me?"
"Dude, you are an IDIOT and I'm going to slap you like a drunkard when this is all through. Lets get that reserve army out there kicking some SS butt now!"
"This is crazy! We're actually taking everything over! Quick, we gotta finish taking Berlin"
"Oh man, Hitlers not dead, yo! Dude, we're screwed. Lets get the heck out of Dodge!"
"Awww crap. They caught us. We're going to die."
"You know, I know I'm going to die, but you were in on this too, don't think they won't light you up as well you freaking Judas."
*All conspirators are tried with treason and executed. Nine months later, Hitler commits suicide and Germany loses the war.*
Side note: Bryan Singer wrote and directed Superman Returns, and although I'd still like to see him publicly beaten for that steaming pile of crap, he did very good on this film and actually produced The Usual Suspects, which is also amazing.
If you don't know anything about it already, this is a World War II genre film about the last assassination attempt on Adolf Hitler by the Germans. There were 15 know attempts on his life by his own people.
This film has great historical value. I found it to be not only fascinating, but well shot, well acted, and at times very tense. There are a few things I'd like to go over:
2) The cast (Other than Tom Cruise) is primarily British actors playing German soldiers. The only German accent in the whole film came from Hitler himself. Its interesting to watch Nazis speak as if they just had tea time.
3) The movie opens with Cruise's character, Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, narrating in German with English subtitles as he writes a letter, also in German. After a short while his German narration cross fades into his English narration. I think this was the directors way of showing the audience "Look, its all being translated for you now." I thought this was a great idea.
4) Eddie Izzard is in this and he is not funny. He does do a great job though.
5) The plan for overthrowing Hitlers regime is really quite brilliant. It uses his own system and plans against him. You can read more about Unternehmen Walküre here.
I give it a 8/10. This is mainly for its historic accuracy as well as its great performances. Although I did like it very much, I can see it as something easily forgettable. There's not a whole lot of wow factor that leaves you longing for more.
I suppose this review isn't really too redunk, but the true story of Unternehmen Walküre is super redunk.
Here's a modern quick recap:
(WARNING: There be spoilers here)
"Dude, Hitler needs to go down. He's really jacking things up. I know we've tried this like fourteen other times, but lets blow this mother to kingdom come and overthrow his government. Any ideas?"
"Yeah I got one, lets blast him with some explosives, kill all the commnications on his base, initiate a doctored version of Valkyrie that we'll get him to unknowingly sign, then initiate the reserve army, arrest all the SS and blame the coup on them, establish a new chancellor and end the war and try and sign a treaty with the allies."
"Ummm... ok, wow, that sounds pretty metal."
"Yeah, its way hardcore."
"Shiny, lets be bad guys... I mean, conspirators"
*The plan unfolds*
"Duece. They changed the meeting to another building, I'm not sure if this bomb is big enough now. Oh well, I'll just set it reeeeally close to him."
"Woah! I totally just blew up Adolf and like 10 other dudes!"
"Woah! you did totally just blow up Adolf and like 10 other dudes!"
"I know, now lets get the crap outta here and take some fools down!"
"So... I didn't really hear if Hitler had died or anything so I waited an extra three hours until you got back to Berlin before intiating Valkyrie... are you mad at me?"
"Dude, you are an IDIOT and I'm going to slap you like a drunkard when this is all through. Lets get that reserve army out there kicking some SS butt now!"
"This is crazy! We're actually taking everything over! Quick, we gotta finish taking Berlin"
"Oh man, Hitlers not dead, yo! Dude, we're screwed. Lets get the heck out of Dodge!"
"Awww crap. They caught us. We're going to die."
"You know, I know I'm going to die, but you were in on this too, don't think they won't light you up as well you freaking Judas."
*All conspirators are tried with treason and executed. Nine months later, Hitler commits suicide and Germany loses the war.*
teh end!
Side note: Bryan Singer wrote and directed Superman Returns, and although I'd still like to see him publicly beaten for that steaming pile of crap, he did very good on this film and actually produced The Usual Suspects, which is also amazing.
