6 posts tagged “crap”
Taken was written by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen and directed by Pierre Morel. It stars Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace (Remember the hot yet annoying blond chick from the first season of Lost?) The always gorgeous Famke Janssen and some other French dudes that no one really knows. It scored a 55% on Rotten Tomatoes T-Meter, a 40% from Top Critics and a 91% from the mindless RT Community.
First let me start off by saying that I thought this movie sucked. I saw it about 3 or 4 weeks before it hit theaters in the U.S. I was immediately glad that I didn't stand in line and waste $10 on it. I rated it 20% on Rotten Tomoatoes.
This movie was a total rip off of The Bourne Identity as well as many other kill-baddies-all-over-Europe-because-I'm-an-ex-spy movie. It takes every cliché from that genre and capitalizes on it. In fact, its almost entirely written off clichés. On top of the awful clichés, it seemed that everyone was told as soon as they walked on set, "Forget what you know about good acting. It will not exist in this film. Seriously, act like this is your 5th grade Christmas play." Even Liam, who is awesome, acted as if he was only there because he owed someone a favor. A big one.
All in all, the story was weak, forced and overplayed. The dialogue was laughable, the acting was pathetic and the daughter ran wierd. I seriously thought something was wrong with her. Other than than dudes getting their faces punched in, I was genuinely board.
Here's a quick recap:
Warning: There be spoilers ahead (but honestly, there's not much left to spoil)
"I'm so emo, 'cause I was a typical Spy/Father and didn't spend enough time with my family because I was to busy saving America and my wife left me, even though she knew better. Oh well, I quit all that 5 years too late so I can be poor and live close by my daughter and ex-wife who married a typical rich guy."
"Its my daughters birthday, I'll spend all of $15.00 dollars on a karaoke machine that was made for an eight year old even though she's seventeen."
"Oh goody, she likes it, because she has this fantasy that she's going to be a pop star still someday. I'm glad my whiny ex-wife was able to see that... ah crap, the super-rich step-dad bought her a horse and she now could care less about my half-hearted gift."
"Hmm, I've been offered a body guard job protecting some high class pop-star, I should ask her if she'll see my daughter.
"Oh noes, some guy was classically waiting to stab the pop-star! Good thing I'm so awesome! I'll hospitalize this idiot and rescue the star. Me FTW."
"My daughter wants to go to France? No ways, I know how things roll there. I have premonition. Well... since she's thrown such a spoiled fit, I'll let her, so long as she takes my super secret spy phone"
"Crap, my premonition was right, hopefully the bad guy will pick up the phone so I can say some awesome, bone-chilling phrase to him that will be used on posters and later on in the movie."
"Time to meet up with a guy that I'm pretty sure will back-stab me because he's greedy and I'm an idiot."
*Beat-downs, death and violence ensue*
"I've killed everyone with no repercussions and found my daughter, I'm the man again! I'll just casually fly back with her to the States earning the respect of my ex and her new husband."
"To top it all off, since shes not the least bit traumatized about being held captive by sex-traffickers, I'll take her to the pop-star that I saved earlier so she can say some formulated cliche line"
Teh End!
Now, perhaps this wasn't the best written review, and perhaps you think I'm a moron because you really liked it. Well, good thing I don't care. This is my opinion and you are more than welcome to be wrong with yours.
I'm home with a migraine that feels like a midget is repeatedly smashing me in the face with a hammer, while his other midget cronies are laughing at me and singing the Cardigan's "Lovefool" in a weird mockery sort of Castrati way. Crazy, I know. I'm sure you've felt this before too [although, variance on the song is likely because we all have different tastes in music].
Lemme tell you of a little beverage I enjoyed on Monday. See if your local shop can whip it up for ya. I'm sure they could. It only requires ingredients typically found already in a coffee shop. Those ingredients are:
- Half and Half Cream
- Espresso
- Honey
Don't jump ahead.
We were visited by some friends this weekend. In typical "WANG" fashion, we took them to our favorite spots, some of which other Redunkers have been. There was one place we took them that was virginal to anyone visiting [of which we know]. A little place called "Hi Hat Coffee." It's built into an old...and I mean OLD...gas station from the 40s. They roast their own beans, and do a good job of it too. The hitch is that it's small. Really small. Small enough to where I was afraid I might have to go to the bathroom before entering...after all, I had just eaten. Seriously, there's one table in the place, with 3 chairs. [the pic to the right was taken around Christmastime]
There is a drink, called the "Bam Bam." It's 2 shots of espresso, a small drizzle of honey, then topped with steamed half & half. Essentially, it's a Caffe Breve with honey. There's something magical about the marriage of honey and espresso. It gets me tingly inside, kinda like when you're about to go over a hill on a roller coaster. Or kinda like when you know your next BM is going to be a doozy. You get me.
If you can, specify that they add the honey after the espresso and before the cream. Also, you can get it without the cream if you're watching your waistline. Or you can not give a crap, and do what I do. I ordered mine with a total of 4 shots, because I lack hair on my chest. You figure it out. [be cautious ordering this at places that have communist influences...you know what I'm talking about.]
Bottom line, I guess, is to go to your local flavor, and have them construct it for you. It's not hard. And don't refer to it as the "bam bam" as they may look at you with confusion [or hate, if you went to a communist cafe...you know what I'm talking about].
I need to get off this thing. My eyes feel like weak grapes being squished between someone's dirty Chuck Taylor and cold pavement.
-Andy
[editor's notes: It's late, I'm tired, and suffering with migraine, hence the midget and poop references. Sorry.
"WANG" is my nickname for myself. I use it in the following contexts:
- Self admiration: "Wang is awesome."
- Self deprecatoin: "Dang it, Wang!"
Stick with me here. I have a point to make.
foreign language poetry
I like reading and/or hearing poetry. Unfortunately, I hate writing it. I have neither the knack nor the artistic will to develop poetry. Lanie is a great poet. Phill is a great poet. I cannot weave together words in poetic nuance that leave you contemplative. However, I can tell stories and be a wordsmith insomuch as to leave you thinking "I didn't know someone could use the word 'crap' and its variants with such maddening frequency."
You better crappin' believe I can.
I do not like foreign language poetry, for two exclusive reasons:
1) It could be that I do not know the foreign language in which it was written...thus I have no idea what I'm reading or hearing. For all I know, you're making fun of me.
2) Were I to know the foreign language in which it was written or recited, I would only understand it's beauty based on the translation to my native tongue, American-English. Even a poetic tapestry of the Queen's English sometimes leaves me baffled in that I am generally not familiar with it's slang or other legitimate definitions. Nevertheless, this is the greater of the two reasons I do not like foreign poetry. At best, with any foreign tongue to that of my native English, I have but to give a translated word or phrase. Even when translating Spanish to English literally, it doesn't sound like English at all. It has to be done with the natural flow of English conversations. For me to appreciate poetry written in Spanish, I would prefer that my native tongue be Spanish to really appreciate it.
It is like a blind man, being shown the finer works of Monet or Van Goh. At best, the blind man can only appreciate the efforts of the artist, rather than the art itself. Or listening to Lyle Lovett's music until you then see his ugly mug. DANG! I digress... I can only appreciate the effort of the foreign poet, rather than the poetry itself because, frankly, I just don't get it. For the same reason that the majority of the folks that read this blog, they know that the content is redunk. Even still, I had to Google a definition of "redunk" before I signed on to be one of the commentators. For shame, I know.
good is God
You read that correctly. Leave it alone. I'll get to it.
I like taking people along to try sushi for the first time. Most, if not all of my guests, are generally unimpressed. Sure, they appreciate the zing of the wasabi, or the texture of ahi tuna. But they cannot, hard as they try, compare it to a previous sushi experience. Their palliate will compliment flavors or textures or condemn them. But they absolutely cannot, by logical standards that run this friggin' universe, compare it to a previous experience. However, the second time they try sushi? That generally puts the feelings from the flavors/textures secondary, making the comparison to their first visit their primary reaction. They'll try the same things, they'll try different things. They might even get something with some sort of fish funk that might even deter them from the glorious raw fishiness forever. Good. More for me. Nevertheless, at some point a comparison will be made, and further visits will also forever be compared to their 'first time.'
Anyhooo..
Our understanding of what is good, generally speaking, is based on the fact that we know what is evil. We know which direction 'up' is, because we know what direction 'down' is.
We know that God is good. But he's the ultimate good. The top good. The goodest good that was ever good. But, for us to call God 'good' is kind of calling ice 'frozen.' Duh. We'll call a movie 'good' or a taco 'good', but in this sense, good = righteous/holy. If anything, good should be defined as "God" rather than calling God 'good.'
[side note: All the more reason we should be cautious and more righteous of the things we cram in to our brain which has a direct effect on our spirit because we think it's 'good.' Kinda like enjoying a movie that is riddled with filth...it should convict you to the point of making you physically sick. If not, maybe we should change our habits (I'm including myself on this, jerks....not pointing fingers. Dang!)]
can we even compliment God?
Absolutely we can.
But it seems pointless to me. This is the God of the universe, the Creator of all things, the God that knows the numbers of hair on my head [which by the way, seems to be decreasing...just makin' it easier for ya, Lord!] I only know human words in the English language that I can give God...words like "awesome" or "cool" or [wait for it] "good." These words pale in comparison to the reality of God's inherent greatness. Even then, some words we use to compliment God's awesome coolness really are roots of other words [that some other human used in his/her native tongue.] It's not about being a nice guy. Spare that crap for your Aunt with the hair upper lip.
It isl important to acknowledge the God of the universe as someone greater than ourselves because, well, He is. As pointless as it seems, it's even required by us. We were created to praise Him. If we are not...what are we praising? Give God the glory and honor and praise that he is due. Don't be redunk.
Remember my last experience?
Apparently, I didn't. Well, I did...but maybe it was the influence of the nitewang, my alter-twitter-ego that on occasion, takes over my wit when I'm sleep deprived from working at night.
Anyhoooooo....
It was 2 degrees outside this morning when I left work for home. 2. Two. To. Too.
[those last two don't count as numerical values...just driving a point, jerks.]
I needed to warm up my car, but to sit in the car that cold is nearly scandalous. So, I opted to get something hot to warm my bones, while the internal combustion engine warmed...itself in my car. The only coffee available to me is this "Black Coffee Lounge" that is literally, outside of the parking garage.
I went.
*sigh*
I went in, to find 3 pots of coffee on the counter, ready to delve out what should be delicious bean nectar. Only one struck my eye. The Festivus blend. I kinda chuckled to myself, wondering if the coffee tasted like an aluminum pole.
I said to the gal behind the counter that for some reason, looked as if she was still awake from the last time I saw her a few weeks back [likely due to the excessive drug use that is keeping her awake. Or a superpower. Who the crap knows?], "Say...what is this 'Festivus' blend? Is it like a light roast?"
"Oh no!" she said with some holiday crappy cheer. "It's a regular coffee flavored with..."
[are you even ready for this?]
"...chocolate, peppermint, vanilla, hazelnut, and cinnamon."
I seriously wanted to ask if they always serve hot cups of horse puke, but instead...my holiday cheery rebuttal was "Um...do you have anything...normal?"
I got their regular house dark roast. Not horrible..but I can't imagine the horror that the Festivus would've brought on. It would have been a Festivus miracle if I could've stomached it.
Come to think of it, I should have expressed my feats of strength to the 'coffee girl', but only after I gave an airing of grievances.
Idiots.
OR: HOW TO BE TENACIOUS ENOUGH TO GET YOU WHAT YOU WANT.
It's a know fact, bleaders [blog readers] that the Eastern Magellan Fighting Monkey will do what it wants to get what it wants. An 8 year study by Blaize Goodall [Jane's Cousin] revealed that the Eastern Magellan Fighting Monkey will perch itself on the nesting branch of another tribal monkey's home, and screech incessantly until the squatter gives up said branch for the screecher. In one study, the monkey screeched, without regard to itself, for a full 4 days. It went without food, water, or sleep. After it screeched it's neighbor out of the coveted bough, the monkey then commandeered the nest only to die of exhaustion hours later. But it's not only the nests that the Eastern Maellan Fighting Monkey covets.
Other things include:
- mates [only the non-life partner ones...they aren't adulteress]
- meals [consisting of berries, bugs, and feces]
- prime water hole drinking spots
Just yesterday, Angie [my beloved bride] received a package in the mail. In this package, was a Christmas gift intended for me. I asked if I could have it upon delivery, seeing how it is intended for me to have anyway. I suggested that time isn't relevant. She said no. I asked again. She said no. This monkey-style exchange went on for about the next 24 hours. This is where evolution slipped up: She's not giving in to my tenacious screeching. Instead, she looks at me with the 'look'. You know the 'look'. It's the one that says "Seriously, Jack...if you keep this crap up, I'm going to slit your throat in the middle of the night, eBay your stupid gift, then buy myself some awesome Legos."
We've all seen that look.
I've let up a bit. I still have 21 days to go, in hopes that maybe...just maybe she'll give in to my screeching.
[editor's note: There is no such thing as an Eastern Magellan Fighting Monkey. Also there is no known information about Jane Goodall's relatives. She might have a cousin...one named Blaize is unlikely. Also, Andy Wong is a creationist. He just used that whole evolution mumbo jumbo to drive a point that he wants his Christmas gifts now, dang it! He also calls evolution mumbo jumbo. That, friends, will not be discussed here. He is well versed in cosmological arguments and has a college education in quantum mechanics {true}. It's what makes him 'redunk'. Also, Angie still won't let me have my gift early. Seriously.]
Dear Hollywood,
As a massive fan of film I feel that it is my duty to write you this letter. While over many decades you have produced many, many great films, stories that have helped shape who I am in a very positive way, I must say there are a few things that need to be addressed. Here is a list (in no particular order) :
1.) Please drag Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer out into the nearest street and shoot them. The constant, almost quarterly barrage of crappy spoofs (Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, etc..) need to be dealt with. Violently. In fact, let Martin Scorsese write a screenplay about those two getting whacked by the mob, but use real bullets.
2.) Please stop creating movies based off video games. Just because the game is popular and has a great story, doesn't mean you can rewrite the entire thing and use nothing but the names of the characters to make it a blockbuster. In the history of all video game movies, all of them have sucked. Max Payne being the newest to this atrocity. Just. Stop. Doing. It.
3) If you plan to visually recreate a book and take it to the silver screen, here's a little secret... ready? THE SCREENPLAY IS ALREADY WRITTEN. Use it. I understand its inevitable that when a book is adopted to the screen some elements must change due to run time, budget and so on. I get it. But please, please, stick to the original story. There's no need to rewrite it. Like I mentioned in point two, it already has a good story. I am Legend was a slap in the face to Richard Matheson. Basically, they took the title and the name Robert Neville and recreated the festering bowl of vomit that is the new movie. Sorry, Will Smith, you're cool, but not cool enough.
4.) How many Highschool Musicals do we need? I'm sure there's more to come, once Disney finds a niche they usually run it so far into the ground that China has earthquake warnings. Look out for the Summer of 2018! Highschool Musical 8, the ten year class reunion. See how Zach Effron became a typical nobody after high school and still picks up on minors with his mullet, beer gut and '87 IROC-z.
5.) I think its great that the hollywood elites that are worth hundereds of millions of dollars want to give back a little and make thier voice heard and adopt 17 orphans because its fashionable, but since when did they become so god-like that the feel they have to right to control how the rest of the world should think and *cough, Sean Penn, cough* that they can rub everyones problems in their face... and then hire a photographer to photograph them "rescue people" post Katrina. *cough, Sean Penn, cough*... Ok, I'll give him some credit. He's a great actor.
6.) Lets be honest here, did we really need another Knight Rider? Or Bionic Woman? I mean, its great to update the classics for the new generation, but c'mon... a new Mustang for Kitt? Its pretty much an hour long Ford commercial. And, was it really necessecery to cancel the TV shows that were amazing simply because the network didn't think they would be popular enough/anymore? Like, oh say, Firefly and Arrested Developement? I'm going to go ahead and stop there. There's just too much... ok, one more. 90210? Seriously, you're doing a second round?! C'mon! No. Bad networks. Bad.
7.) Ok this one is more positive. Take some of the billions of dollars you make every year and find a way to clone Robert Downey Jr. and put him in every possible good movie that comes out. Seriously, you could have an entire cast of RDJ's in one movie and it would own because he's so diverse. I'd watch it. While your at it, we could use a few more Brad Pitts and Cillian Murphys... Maybe three or four younger Bruce Willis's for some good action movies. Oh, and few Helena Bonham-Carter's. Ok, admitingly that was a bit of a fantasy, but in a perfect world...
8.) One last request. Get a couple more people to read a screenplay before you spend hundereds of millions of dollars on a movie and recreate Waterworld or Dungeon Siege, or Gigli, or Heaven's Gate, or Cutthroat Island, or The Adventures of Pluto Nash, or Catwoman, or Daddy Day Camp, or, Swept Away, or, Thunderbirds, or, Battlefield Earth, or Starship Troopers, or Southland Tales, or Alexander, or Last Action Hero, or Cleopatra, or anything with Madonna in it...
That's about all I can think of right now. I hope you take into consideration my suggestions, especially number 1. And number 2, well and 3-8. But please, if you take care of number 1 maybe you could throw Tara Reid in there too? And Steven Segal and Lindsey Lohan and...
Any other suggestions you'd like to see that I didn't cover?
