Three Ladies in a Sauna
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE
SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING
NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING
SOUND. THE YOUNG
WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS
LOOKED
AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP
UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG
WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE
EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE
PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER
WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED
SHE HAD TO DO
SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA
AND WENT TO THE
BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR
END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.... ......WELL, WILL YOU
LOOK AT THAT..... I' M
GETTING A FAX!!
This is the storm that hit about 2 hours or so after a tornado. I suppose the storm hit prior to that which would be the cause of said tornado, but who cares. The point is there's rain, epic wind and lightning.
I strapped my Flip Mino HD onto my steering wheel via the Flip action mount and drove to Coffee Slingers. The video below is the resulting footage. I only added music, titles and an edge mask.
Taken was written by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen and directed by Pierre Morel. It stars Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace (Remember the hot yet annoying blond chick from the first season of Lost?) The always gorgeous Famke Janssen and some other French dudes that no one really knows. It scored a 55% on Rotten Tomatoes T-Meter, a 40% from Top Critics and a 91% from the mindless RT Community.
First let me start off by saying that I thought this movie sucked. I saw it about 3 or 4 weeks before it hit theaters in the U.S. I was immediately glad that I didn't stand in line and waste $10 on it. I rated it 20% on Rotten Tomoatoes.
This movie was a total rip off of The Bourne Identity as well as many other kill-baddies-all-over-Europe-because-I'm-an-ex-spy movie. It takes every cliché from that genre and capitalizes on it. In fact, its almost entirely written off clichés. On top of the awful clichés, it seemed that everyone was told as soon as they walked on set, "Forget what you know about good acting. It will not exist in this film. Seriously, act like this is your 5th grade Christmas play." Even Liam, who is awesome, acted as if he was only there because he owed someone a favor. A big one.
All in all, the story was weak, forced and overplayed. The dialogue was laughable, the acting was pathetic and the daughter ran wierd. I seriously thought something was wrong with her. Other than than dudes getting their faces punched in, I was genuinely board.
Here's a quick recap:
Warning: There be spoilers ahead (but honestly, there's not much left to spoil)
"I'm so emo, 'cause I was a typical Spy/Father and didn't spend enough time with my family because I was to busy saving America and my wife left me, even though she knew better. Oh well, I quit all that 5 years too late so I can be poor and live close by my daughter and ex-wife who married a typical rich guy."
"Its my daughters birthday, I'll spend all of $15.00 dollars on a karaoke machine that was made for an eight year old even though she's seventeen."
"Oh goody, she likes it, because she has this fantasy that she's going to be a pop star still someday. I'm glad my whiny ex-wife was able to see that... ah crap, the super-rich step-dad bought her a horse and she now could care less about my half-hearted gift."
"Hmm, I've been offered a body guard job protecting some high class pop-star, I should ask her if she'll see my daughter.
"Oh noes, some guy was classically waiting to stab the pop-star! Good thing I'm so awesome! I'll hospitalize this idiot and rescue the star. Me FTW."
"My daughter wants to go to France? No ways, I know how things roll there. I have premonition. Well... since she's thrown such a spoiled fit, I'll let her, so long as she takes my super secret spy phone"
"Crap, my premonition was right, hopefully the bad guy will pick up the phone so I can say some awesome, bone-chilling phrase to him that will be used on posters and later on in the movie."
"Time to meet up with a guy that I'm pretty sure will back-stab me because he's greedy and I'm an idiot."
*Beat-downs, death and violence ensue*
"I've killed everyone with no repercussions and found my daughter, I'm the man again! I'll just casually fly back with her to the States earning the respect of my ex and her new husband."
"To top it all off, since shes not the least bit traumatized about being held captive by sex-traffickers, I'll take her to the pop-star that I saved earlier so she can say some formulated cliche line"
Teh End!
Now, perhaps this wasn't the best written review, and perhaps you think I'm a moron because you really liked it. Well, good thing I don't care. This is my opinion and you are more than welcome to be wrong with yours.
Everyone watched the Superbowl. If you have any questions read the first poem "Fight for love" and that should explain this.
I used to believe that love could conquer all.
But that went away once I saw the Cardinals fall
The Cardinals looked like they were in good shape right
before half time.
But Harrison’s interception put the Steelers up by a dime.
When the Cardinals
were down by 13 people’s dreams hit the floor.
I told them not to worry, that love was worth fighting for.
Once they made their comeback like I said they would do.
I sent them a text telling them that “I told you!”
After they scored the safety it was the Cardinals time to
thrive.
And Kurt Warner delivered what I thought was the game winning drive.
But shortly after I felt broken and battered.
When in just two minutes my hopes were shattered.
Then what happened next was worse than listening to a baby’s
screams.
I felt utterly defeated, they had destroyed my dreams.
Love is dead, it died in the air.
With 35 seconds remaining and a catch ruled fair.
I thought there was still hope, but the refs wouldn’t let
the game go on.
The paramedics had already called it, “Love is going, going… Gone.”
I'm home with a migraine that feels like a midget is repeatedly smashing me in the face with a hammer, while his other midget cronies are laughing at me and singing the Cardigan's "Lovefool" in a weird mockery sort of Castrati way. Crazy, I know. I'm sure you've felt this before too [although, variance on the song is likely because we all have different tastes in music].
Lemme tell you of a little beverage I enjoyed on Monday. See if your local shop can whip it up for ya. I'm sure they could. It only requires ingredients typically found already in a coffee shop. Those ingredients are:
- Half and Half Cream
- Espresso
- Honey
Don't jump ahead.
We were visited by some friends this weekend. In typical "WANG" fashion, we took them to our favorite spots, some of which other Redunkers have been. There was one place we took them that was virginal to anyone visiting [of which we know]. A little place called "Hi Hat Coffee." It's built into an old...and I mean OLD...gas station from the 40s. They roast their own beans, and do a good job of it too. The hitch is that it's small. Really small. Small enough to where I was afraid I might have to go to the bathroom before entering...after all, I had just eaten. Seriously, there's one table in the place, with 3 chairs. [the pic to the right was taken around Christmastime]
There is a drink, called the "Bam Bam." It's 2 shots of espresso, a small drizzle of honey, then topped with steamed half & half. Essentially, it's a Caffe Breve with honey. There's something magical about the marriage of honey and espresso. It gets me tingly inside, kinda like when you're about to go over a hill on a roller coaster. Or kinda like when you know your next BM is going to be a doozy. You get me.
If you can, specify that they add the honey after the espresso and before the cream. Also, you can get it without the cream if you're watching your waistline. Or you can not give a crap, and do what I do. I ordered mine with a total of 4 shots, because I lack hair on my chest. You figure it out. [be cautious ordering this at places that have communist influences...you know what I'm talking about.]
Bottom line, I guess, is to go to your local flavor, and have them construct it for you. It's not hard. And don't refer to it as the "bam bam" as they may look at you with confusion [or hate, if you went to a communist cafe...you know what I'm talking about].
I need to get off this thing. My eyes feel like weak grapes being squished between someone's dirty Chuck Taylor and cold pavement.
-Andy
[editor's notes: It's late, I'm tired, and suffering with migraine, hence the midget and poop references. Sorry.
"WANG" is my nickname for myself. I use it in the following contexts:
- Self admiration: "Wang is awesome."
- Self deprecatoin: "Dang it, Wang!"
