I was bored and wrote this about my roommate Eric Lynch. There are a lot of inside jokes in it but I thought it would be fun to post anyway.
My Robot Roomie
I’ve come to a conclusion that many find bizarre.
After three months of living with you I’ve discovered what you are.
I think you’re a robot, it may sound strange but it’s true.
Not a lot of people believe me, not even a few.
You never sleep and it’s become your routine.
That’s how I realized you were actually a machine.
A robot that runs on coffee and oat meal,
designed with a strong jaw line to increase your sex appeal.
I can’t find your buttons or where you hide the switches.
Your default programming must be to always do the dishes.
As a robot you don’t need kids, maybe a dog to play fetch.
It’s programmed in your system to wake up and go stretch.
A machine of high intellect, you’re always conversational.
With a built in dictionary you bust out words like colloquial.
You always leave your fan on to serve as a distraction.
Your arms are actually shot guns, with built in pump action.
Your amazing stamina is something to fear.
I even nominated you for cyclist of the year.
At dinner your robot powers continue to seal my fate.
Knight to C 4, you just put me in check mate.
Like Johnny 5 you need input and are always reading books.
By now you’ve infiltrated our government with your stunning good looks.
You’re always with Jody who must be a robot too.
You plan to take over the world, I don’t know what else you would do.
I have to stop you before you achieve world domination.
You won’t be satisfied until you’ve accomplished complete annihilation.
Almost indestructible, but I’ve discovered your weakness is
the cold.
To save our electric bill and the world, your heating blanket I sold.
You may be immune to sickness and disease,
But by January your circuit board and mainframe will freeze.
I will miss you when you’re gone, I don’t know how I’ll get
by.
My ad in the paper will read “roommate needed! Robots please don’t apply”.
Something totally stupid for the day. I mean, really stupid.
Dear Hollywood,
As a massive fan of film I feel that it is my duty to write you this letter. While over many decades you have produced many, many great films, stories that have helped shape who I am in a very positive way, I must say there are a few things that need to be addressed. Here is a list (in no particular order) :
1.) Please drag Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer out into the nearest street and shoot them. The constant, almost quarterly barrage of crappy spoofs (Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, etc..) need to be dealt with. Violently. In fact, let Martin Scorsese write a screenplay about those two getting whacked by the mob, but use real bullets.
2.) Please stop creating movies based off video games. Just because the game is popular and has a great story, doesn't mean you can rewrite the entire thing and use nothing but the names of the characters to make it a blockbuster. In the history of all video game movies, all of them have sucked. Max Payne being the newest to this atrocity. Just. Stop. Doing. It.
3) If you plan to visually recreate a book and take it to the silver screen, here's a little secret... ready? THE SCREENPLAY IS ALREADY WRITTEN. Use it. I understand its inevitable that when a book is adopted to the screen some elements must change due to run time, budget and so on. I get it. But please, please, stick to the original story. There's no need to rewrite it. Like I mentioned in point two, it already has a good story. I am Legend was a slap in the face to Richard Matheson. Basically, they took the title and the name Robert Neville and recreated the festering bowl of vomit that is the new movie. Sorry, Will Smith, you're cool, but not cool enough.
4.) How many Highschool Musicals do we need? I'm sure there's more to come, once Disney finds a niche they usually run it so far into the ground that China has earthquake warnings. Look out for the Summer of 2018! Highschool Musical 8, the ten year class reunion. See how Zach Effron became a typical nobody after high school and still picks up on minors with his mullet, beer gut and '87 IROC-z.
5.) I think its great that the hollywood elites that are worth hundereds of millions of dollars want to give back a little and make thier voice heard and adopt 17 orphans because its fashionable, but since when did they become so god-like that the feel they have to right to control how the rest of the world should think and *cough, Sean Penn, cough* that they can rub everyones problems in their face... and then hire a photographer to photograph them "rescue people" post Katrina. *cough, Sean Penn, cough*... Ok, I'll give him some credit. He's a great actor.
6.) Lets be honest here, did we really need another Knight Rider? Or Bionic Woman? I mean, its great to update the classics for the new generation, but c'mon... a new Mustang for Kitt? Its pretty much an hour long Ford commercial. And, was it really necessecery to cancel the TV shows that were amazing simply because the network didn't think they would be popular enough/anymore? Like, oh say, Firefly and Arrested Developement? I'm going to go ahead and stop there. There's just too much... ok, one more. 90210? Seriously, you're doing a second round?! C'mon! No. Bad networks. Bad.
7.) Ok this one is more positive. Take some of the billions of dollars you make every year and find a way to clone Robert Downey Jr. and put him in every possible good movie that comes out. Seriously, you could have an entire cast of RDJ's in one movie and it would own because he's so diverse. I'd watch it. While your at it, we could use a few more Brad Pitts and Cillian Murphys... Maybe three or four younger Bruce Willis's for some good action movies. Oh, and few Helena Bonham-Carter's. Ok, admitingly that was a bit of a fantasy, but in a perfect world...
8.) One last request. Get a couple more people to read a screenplay before you spend hundereds of millions of dollars on a movie and recreate Waterworld or Dungeon Siege, or Gigli, or Heaven's Gate, or Cutthroat Island, or The Adventures of Pluto Nash, or Catwoman, or Daddy Day Camp, or, Swept Away, or, Thunderbirds, or, Battlefield Earth, or Starship Troopers, or Southland Tales, or Alexander, or Last Action Hero, or Cleopatra, or anything with Madonna in it...
That's about all I can think of right now. I hope you take into consideration my suggestions, especially number 1. And number 2, well and 3-8. But please, if you take care of number 1 maybe you could throw Tara Reid in there too? And Steven Segal and Lindsey Lohan and...
Any other suggestions you'd like to see that I didn't cover?
I started a new gig this week, and loving every minute of it. The guys 'n gals I work with are a great group, a great team, and a great family of workers. The coolest thing is that my building is located in the midst of culinary nuance. I discovered a coffee bar, nay, a coffee lounge around the block from my cubicle called "Black Coffee." Their schtick is to sell and make everything look and sound 'sexy.'
I visited it yesterday, on my first day, to retrieve a simple cup of coffee. It wasn't bad. I'm not sure where they get their coffee. For all I know, they're getting month-old-beans from a Costco dumpster. Unlike a good coffee shop, they don't advertise where they get their beans. Humiliated? Likely. They served a 'vanilla macadamia nut' flavored drip coffee. The problem with this is, is that coffee beans aren't NATURALLY vanilla nor macadamia nut flavored. They are naturally the flavor of coffee. I didn't get it. I just got their house blend, which was called "Sunrise." My guess, it was their breakfast blend. All in all, it wasn't bad. It did better for me than the burnt Folgers that was in the office [not even going to touch that one...still it's better than the powder mix at my previous occupation].
Day 2: I go back for more coffee...I needed a hit! I even twagged about it [twagged = twitter bragged]. A really really wanted a good hit of espresso. This time, I examine their menu, and discover a honey latte. Once before, a long time back, I had a lattee midly sweetened with honey, and it was clearly one of the best sweet drinks I've had. Couldn't hurt to get it again, right? So naive was I.
I order said drink, then proceed to watch the preparer [the term 'barista' here should be reserved for those that aren't complete idiots that work with an espresso machine] prepare my drink. As I watched him, I noticed that he didn't grind the beans, and tamp the espresso himself. I saw the hopper and the grinder...but he didn't bother with it. I figured it was a backup to their 'other' system, if an 'other' system existed. As it turns out, at some point earlier in the day he already ground the espresso and tamped it, loaded it into the machine, and let it sit until someone ordered a drink. Yes. He did.
I interject his preparation and order my drink with an extra shot...just to see what he did to it as I was really curious at this point. He didn't grind new beans. Ladies and Gentledudes, he poured the espresso shots into my cup, and reused the espresso grinds from the previous shots TO POUR ME AN EXTRA SHOT! Didn't bother tamping new espresso. Didn't bother cleaning the porta-filter [the thingy that hold the grinds for the shot]. I asked, "Do you typically do that?"
"Oh yes," he responds with glee. "We can typically get two or three pulls out of one of these."
I left the establishment. Tasted my cup of puke, and wanted to wretch. I polished off about half of it before I couldn't stomach it anymore. At the time of this publish, it's been 6 hours since said vomit-latte, and my gullet is in serious trouble. They are not getting any more of my support.
To say I’m a big fan of movies would be an understatement. I believe that my appreciation of movies allows me to respect and enjoy them more than most people. However this appreciation also can cause a hatred and frustration towards moves that I consider crap. I’m also quite smug about the fact that about 95% of the time critics agree with me. Because of this appreciation I have been called a critic and movie snob. Some people won’t even talk to me about movies that they know I don’t like. I understand that sometimes I can be over opinionated and for that I apologize, but I do not apologize for being considered a critic or for my opinions on crappy movies. With that said I thought I would take the time to post my personal top twelve favorite movies of all time (In no particular order). This is my personal list, not what I believe to be the top twelve movies of all time. With any personal list you’re going to have movies that you connect with differently than others will. It’s amazing how some movies can grab you while having no effect on the person next to you. Well, without further ado I give you my personal top twelve.
1. Good Will Hunting: (out of all the movies this is my favorite) Matt Damon will always have special place in my heart for writing this and Ben Affleck get’s some respect for helping. I love good dialogue and this movie is the main reason why. There are so many scenes in this movie where the dialogue just gives you goose bumps. It’s smart when it wants to be, funny when it has to be and emotionally griping when it needs to be. The scene in the park where Robin Williams describes love is absolutely breath taking. Honestly it gets me every time, I’ll even admit that I can’t help but tear up, it’s that good.
2.Memento: I saw this movie five years
after it came out and I was absolutely blown away by the sheer genius of this
movie. I couldn’t stop talking about it, the movie was five years old and I was
going up to people asking if they had seen it. Do you know how hard it is to
talk about a movie to people that haven’t seen it for five years? This movie
instantly made me a Christopher Nolan fan, and his later works would prove his
genius. The guy literally hasn’t made a bad movie, and if he does a small part
of me will probably die.
3. The Usual Suspects: If you haven’t seen this movie than I don’t want to give anything away, but it’s incredible. I watched this movie four times in one week a couple years ago just to show it to all my friends who hadn’t seen it, and each time I picked up something new. Kevin Spacey did an incredible job in this movie, so good it won him an academy award for Best Supporting Actor.
4. Garden State: This is one of those movies that you either love or hate, and we know which side I’m on. Like Good Will Hunting I admire this movie for the dialogue, even though most people only remember it for the soundtrack. I like this movie so much that I actually used it in one of my final presentations at College. I probably would have gotten an A if Evergreen gave out grades.
5. The Shawshank Redemption: This is one of the movies on my list that would probably make the list of “top ten greatest movies ever made” as well. I will sadly admit that that I was greatly robbed when I first saw this movie. When I was younger I saw a part in the movie that gave some of it away. So when I watched it I kept waiting for it, but the amazing part about the movie is, I still didn’t see it coming (I would say what it is but I don’t want to ruin it if someone hasn’t seen it). This movie is written so well, the narration parts are incredible. I honestly didn’t fully appreciate it until about the third time I saw it, but this movie really is a masterpiece.
6. In Bruges: I wanted to watch this movie immediately after I had just watched it and the funny thing is I watched it in an airport while waiting for my flight. It’s hard to be sitting next to strangers while you’re trying to hold back tears. Some people may find the comedy in the movie offense, I however find it hilarious. The flow of the movie is incredible; it goes from comedy to emotionally griping effortlessly. Not a lot of movies these days are made as tragedies and that’s probably another reason why this movie stands out so much.
7.The Dark Knight: Just one more reason why Christopher Nolan is a genius. This is the one movie on my list that by now probably everyone has seen and I don’t know where to start. This movie is changing the way people think about super hero movie. Not only that, it’s changing how people are writing them. The Dark Knight made people realize that super hero movies have the potential to win the best picture of the year (So far TDK should win). Christopher Nolan made TDK a masterpiece, and Heath Ledger made it unforgettable.
8.Snatch: Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, and Snatch (I had a hard time picking which one) made me appreciate what a director does. Before I saw them I just went to movie for the sake of being entertained, but after I saw Snatch I had a whole new appreciation for writing and directing. His ability to intertwine all of these different stories in to one is amazing. Snatch is fun, smart and a real treat to watch.
9.Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: Robert Downy Jr. and Val Kilmer play off each other so well in this movie. They are hilarious, the dialogue between them is amazing they its witty, smart, clever and random. The movie itself is also incredibly clever and at times random, and I love random humor. Watching this movie will make you an instant fan of Robert Downy Jr., if you’re not already that is.
10. The Prestige: Christopher Nolan pulls off the hat trick. This movie like all the movies on my list exempts superb dialogue. There is so much going on in this movie that the more you think about it, the more you’re head spins. After watching this Shawn and I spent the next 40 minutes or so talking about it. Then we would think of something new a few days later and call the other person and be like teenage girls and say, “OMG what about…”. Another thing I like about this movie is that a lot of the ideas and twists are really unique. One of my biggest annoyances was how people would compare it to the Illusionist like it was the same kind of movie. Just because they both do magic tricks doesn’t make them the same. They are complete different movies.
11. No Country for Old Men: You can’t stop what’s coming. Cormac McCarthy is an incredible writing and the Coan Brother’s did an outstanding job at turning his book into a theatrical masterpiece. Anton Chigurh gave several of my friends nightmares, I was fortunate enough to dream that he was on my side, and Anton Chigurh is someone you want on your side. I loved the narration in this movie and every time I watched it I took something new from it (5 times if you’re wondering). I didn’t know what to think about the ending when I watched it, but the more I thought about it and the more I watched it, the more I loved it. As Dan Smith (aka Listener) says “it’s a real gem with a perfect ending”.
12 The Godfather 1&2: I know some of you were waiting for this move to come up and I put it at the end on purpose to make it suspenseful. I also count The Godfather 1&2 as the same movie, if you’ve seen them then you would agree. If you don’t than it doesn’t matter because this is my top 10 not yours! I don’t know what can be said about this movie, that hasn’t already been said. They are masterpieces that all other great movies are judged by or compared to. I think it should be law that after you watch these movies you sit quietly for five minutes to take in what just happened. I remember the first time I saw it, when it ended my first thought were “that’s it…” but then 10 seconds later it felt like someone punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind right out of me. I just sat there, thinking “holy….. That just happened. This movie is amazing.”
Honorable Mention, The Matrix: This movie really was revolutionary, and absolutely amazing. I still get blown away when I watch it. But unfortunately they had to make two more and now you can’t say The Matrix without everyone thinking of the mess that is the second and third movie (I actually liked the second one). The Matrix is the perfect example of when a great movie get’s ruined by its predecessors, and for that it gets an honorable mention.
So in case you didn't know, Freaks & Geeks is an incredible show that had a short lived cable life in 1999. It got bumped around a bunch schedule wise and it didn't get much love. It seems that Judd Apatow took the brilliant formula of the three geekish teenage boys, their awkward coming of age story and made another run for it on the big screen with Superbad in 2007. Do you see the similarities?
I thought this to be a fitting first post as the name choosen for the blog is a phrase I was first introduced to while watching Superbad. It was gonna be crapsandwich, I liked that better. Maybe I'll try, try again to change the name back.
I know that some of you may have seen this before, but there are many of you who have not had the privilege of seeing this tale. So without further ado, I present to you, the Montana story with Nathan Davis, with special guest star appearance by Pastor Lawrence Neisent.
All that aside, my brother is a very hilarious person. Like me, he's sarcastic and witty, only I think a little more so. I definitely miss joking with him and coming up with bogus stories and scenarios. One thing he's always been able to do is make my Dad laugh uncontrollably. I mean, he'll get him to literally roll on the floor and laugh. My Dad often jokes with us that we should call him or write and say stuff like "Dad, you're the coolest guy ever, I wish I was half as manly as you" Of course, He just likes to mess with us, however... my brother finally took him up on that. Here is the letter he wrote him just a few days ago:
Dearest Father,
I had some extra time today so I decided to write you this letter and tell you how cool and strong you are. You are the most awesome person in the world. I can't wait until I get home so you can wrestle me down to the ground and pinch my cheeks. Even though I have been working out the past few months, that still won't be enough to stand a fair chance against your tremendous strength. You arms are as thick and powerful as the mightiest of redwoods. Your legs are as hairy and as fierce as two bull mammoths. Your burps are like hurricanes and your flatulence shakes even the tallest of mountains. Hulk Hogan and Bruce Willis tremble at the mere mention of your name. Even Chuck Norris thinks twice about crossing your path. You are the mightiest of all mortals. Men and giants alike spend their entire lives pursuing just a fraction of the power you have obtained. No burrito can satisfy your hunger, nor can any Red Bull quench your thirst. You drink the rivers dry and consume all that Taco Bell has to offer. You are Ralph, Champion of landscaping and Ruler of nurseries. But above all, you are my dad.
Your humble and adoring son,
Scott
Yes, my Dad is a Landscaper and nursery owner... and no burrito can satisfy his hunger.
I'll be honest, I hate reading about politics. Just recently I've become a bit interested in listening to politics given all the hoopla of this dubbed "most important" election of my lifetime. Without stirring up any more rhetoric on which candidate is better for the job, I'd like to express my interest in a seemingly important issue about the ethics of voting.
I've always held to the thought that by not voting for a major candidate, (one that actually has a chance of winning the election), is merely "throwing" my vote away; A vote that would never count, would be lost, or most regrettably, a vote that would not aid in my daughter's future as an American.
As a Christian, I believe doing the right thing always supersedes doing the accepted thing. God seems to regard our conscience as something highly sacred, and defiling it in the name of "not throwing my vote away" seems somewhat spiritually unsettling.
Recently, I've considered another revolutionary option: voting for a candidate that best represents me and my faith regardless of whether the statistics say they have a chance of winning. Should there not be something said for voting with your conscience?
To be honest, I'm torn on this issue. I would love to hear some thoughts / comments / rebuddles regarding your ethical stance on voting.
If the saying “nice guys finish last” is true, then when it comes to life most of them have barely left the starting blocks. Nice guys seem to be left in the dust by people that are commonly known as “that guy”. “That guy” is the person everybody knows but, nobody wants to be. Ironically “that guy” is usually incapable of comprehending that he is actually “that guy”. There are several types of that guy, in fact too many to even count! Even to this very day scientists are still discovering new forms of thatguyites. However, there are three types of “that guy” that are spreading more rampant than herpes. Knowledge truly is power when it comes to dealing with any form of epidemic. So here are the three major forms of “that guy” and what to do when you encounter them.
That Guy #1
Tough guy: This guy is always down to party and always ready to fight. Despite his over inflated ego, this guy comes in all size. From the small mouthy pop off to the over sized trash talking weight lifter. For him fighting can solve everything and even though he’ll never hit a woman, he’s always ready to verbally assault “your mom!”
How to deal with the Tough guy: Tough guys though strong in spirit are normally ill equipped intellectually. Fighting a tough guy will only bring you to his level; instead wait till he says something like, “What? You got something to say?” then calmly respond with “Yeah, about a million things but I can’t express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand them all.” He won’t realize you insulted him until about a week later during mid-rep on bench press.
That Guy #2
D-bag guy: This is the guy that is always down for a one night stand with a complete stranger. If married he doesn’t think twice before taking off his wedding ring. He has no problem hitting on your long term girl friend or even your wife. He has no boundaries when it comes to woman. As far as he’s concerned no girls are off limits, this can include his best friends’ girl or his brother’s wife.
How to deal with D-bag guy: As much as you want to punch this guy in the face or maliciously swing your foot into his groin, it may not be the best approach. Not only could this make you like “That Guy #1” but, the D-bag guy usually travels with a Tough guy for that very reason. D-bags hate complications and confrontation. So if you see a D-bag making a move on your girl just go up and make sure he knows you’re in the picture. Then when you get some time alone, politely inform the D-bag that if you see him by your girl again, you will have your own Tough guy friend rip off his arms and beat him to death with them.
That Guy #3
Trash talker guy: On the surface this guy is nice to everyone. He greets you with open arms as soon as you walk through the door. He tries to be everything to everyone and his best friend is whoever he’s with, until they leave that is. The Trash talker won’t hesitate to talk about how much he can’t stand you, as long as you’re not in ear shot. The only thing worse than listening to a Trash Talker, is confronting one. They have no morally integrity, will deny everything and lie until their ears bleed. They never admit when they’re wrong and are professionals at changing the subject.
* Even though there is not enough evidence to support it, some scientists firmly believe that the Trash Talker does not actually have a conscious.
How to deal with the Trash Talker guy: As fun as it is to call the Trash Talker out on his BS, this will only provoke more trash talking when you leave. The best way to deal with a Trash Talker is to avoid them. They have a very short attention span, so as long as you’re not talking to them they won’t remember you exist. Trust me, it’s better that way.
If the saying “nice guys finish last” is true, then nice guys should begin to realize that the race of life isn’t about winning. “That guy” may “win” the race but, he ends up finishing alone and taking life for granted in the process. So take your time, enjoy the sights and continue helping people along the way. By the time you do decide to cross the finish line, you will be doing it with the ones you love and without regret. “That guy” may criticize you for being in last but, what he doesn’t realize, is that’s exactly where you want to be.
